It’s not who you see, it’s who sees you

Today I got out of bed so frustrated with my current situation, well….that’s not true.  I woke up and did my usual meditations to rid myself of my frustration and so got out of bed somewhat peaceful, hoping that this day would be on the upward climb.  And then I began my day, it went as usual, usual frustrations and then the first blow of the day to my mama ego, there was nothing for lunch.  Once again they had eaten the lunch I put aside for today last night and so I was so upset, I looked at the time, it was 815 am too late to start a new lunch but it had to be done and so I started to almost panic.  Wondering, now what? I can’t buy them a subway lunch that’s just not in this week’s budget but I don’t have a choice because what can I do not give them any lunch? And then how do I get this bought lunch? That makes my morning run about an hour longer than usual which gets 7 to daycare too late to get breakfast and he misses his morning relaxation that he likes to have before being forced to go to his mandatory outside time.  And so again the panic begins to rise.  Today of all days I just wanted the morning run to happen and end and now it was going to be extended, I was so dismayed and still did not have a plan for lunch and time was ticking away as our usual departure time of 830 was quickly approaching.  Thank God for 1 and 2, they as usual are my best supporters and the best teenagers a mother could ask for.  2 quickly finished getting himself ready and went to the grocery store with my lunch list in hand and returned home with my items and armed with lunch money, went to school.  1 took 7 to daycare and also armed with lunch money, went to school.  I took 3,4,5,6 to school, returned home, made the lunches and did a lunch run back to the school.  It all really made my day start later, an hour later and my ego was shot in the process of it all.  Once again questioning me as a mother, why hadn’t I checked the fridge earlier, why was my reaction to sit and hold my head, why didn’t I have a back-up plan? It was just disheartening I was truly having a mommy moment.  Looking around at the housework I didn’t get to this weekend and wondering how I was going to tackle it all again questioning myself as a mother. I took a deep breath and started to clear up and do the housework I failed to do this weekend and thankfully made it through the day to the afternoon run.  And this is where the title of this post comes in.  Because it was the afternoon run that showed me that through all of the days where the chaos overtakes you, you are doing a great job and it shows.  As I was walking home doing my usual afternoon run, we were all walking happily with thankfully only minor issues and a neighbourhood mother saw me walking, I thought it was going to be our usual hello as we passed each other but today was different as she approached I saw that she was taking out her headphones and so I did the same.  She stopped to say hello and then she told me she needed to know my secret: How did I get all of my children to walk so nicely down the road, how was I able to have all of them walking in a nice organized line/group she wished that she could get her two to do it because they are always jumping around, doing flips and in no way looked as calm and organized as my children as they walked down the road, she went on to tell me how impressed she was by it and inform me that they always walked so nicely.  I said thank you and that I don’t know how I do it, I wouldn’t have it any other way, they just have to.  And that was the end of our interaction.  I proceeded to praise my children for the compliment that they received and we shared high fives and a Yea Team Hamilton! We continued our walk home but as we did I thought about the compliment.   The first thought, wow! as I walk down the road I am always so critical of how my children walk down the road, that they are being to loud, too wild, not polite enough to other people walking down the road but clearly I am too hard on myself and I suppose them because others don’t see it as I do and secondly as mothers, we make it through some easy days and some hard days, we judge ourselves as mothers by such a harsh ruler sometimes.  I need to stop, you need to stop, we need to stop.  So what? There was no lunch in the morning….did my children go lunchless? No! They had lunches and they were fine.  One simple error in a morning wasn’t dire, wasn’t the end of the world, didn’t mean I was a terrible mother.  Didn’t remove all the other days where lunch was ready and taken to school as it should be.  Didn’t mean that I deserved the thrashing I gave myself, so next time I decide to not tear myself down by a simple act, I will remind myself of the good things, there was no lunches because my children ate it and are therefore well fed, that I was able to simply remake the lunches and my children didn’t have to go hungry, that I was able to provide what they required and in the end, sometimes when my own encouragement isn’t enough, isn’t what I need for that particular day, sometimes it could be a random statement made by another that can be the spark of encouragement that shows you that it’s not who you see but who sees you. Just another day in 7th day, tomorrow is another day! Until next time, be well.

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