The reluctant father

Hello everyone, sorry that I have not posted in some time, took a well needed vacation but now I am back and so here we go continuing where I left off.  I will speak on my vacation at a later date for now here we are with todays post.  Two weeks ago I was watching the morning show on global I saw a news story on a man named Phillip Toledano, he has a blog named Confessions of a reluctant father.  In it he wrote a post that had some in awe and admiration and others in an uproar.  In it he was honest about his feelings about his daughter Loulou when she was first born.  Likening her to a sea sponge, he said that it was difficult to connect with this little person who didn’t do anything upon her arrival.  He comments on the incessant crying that a newborn seems to take to almost as easily as they do to breathing and that while his wife enjoyed it he wanted to throw his daughter out of the window.  He also comments on his daughter’s eating habits likening it to a wildlife video as she would eat like a wild animal, in his opinion ravishing the nipple and then passing out in a deep sleep with her mouth open and milk running down her face.  His honesty in this article was greatly appreciated.  I think that this is an issue that many men have, yet they are not allowed to voice that truth.  Toledano comments that when he told people that fatherhood didn’t really do it for him, he was not met with I fully understands but with faces that in his words wrinkled up like a walnut.  But in the end he is expressing a feeling that many men have.  And some women have as well. I remember when I first had my daughter, as to be expected I loved her as soon as I looked into her eyes right before I passed out from exhaustion.  LOL. I remember looking at her in awe of the fact that she was inside of me, anticipating getting to know her, that I had a hand in creating this little being and I began taking about 50 to 60 pictures of her per day wanting to document every moment that we had and loving her in that first hour with a wonder because while she was only one hour old it felt like she had always been here, as the love I had for her felt like a lifetime not just her’s but mine as well times infinity.  And truly I didn’t have any what the fuck am I doing moments until she was 2 weeks old when she started screaming every night longer and longer every day and sleep deprivation gave way to craziness and I thought if I just put this pillow on her head for just a moment that sound would stop right? Clearly I didn’t do it but I am being honest I thought it, more than once and I am sure many other women have considered the same or something similar.  Those days have mother a little nuts sometimes.  My next moment of wondering was when 2 was going through his terrible two’s.  He truly was going through terrible and I honestly counted down the days until he turned three, he was difficult, defiant, and exasperating and I loved looking at him as he slept because thankfully he was unconscious and I made it through another day and almost like he knew that he was supposed to stop at that time, he stopped when he turned three like clockwork.  Thank god! Cause those days the pillow was oh so very close.  LOL just kidding.   After that I think I got a true hang of children and how to handle them and the last 5 of my children were better handled in many regards. But with none of them did I truly have a moment of do I love you? Can I love you? Will I love you?  I was more concerned with another is coming, hmmm….interesting.  In the end I was good with loving my sea sponges (LOL), appreciating those moments and loving all those that followed.  My holy shit OMG moment regarding their father came when my daughter was 9 months old, her father was holding her in his arms and he said I am father, this is my daughter and I said are you serious you just figured that out? I didn’t understand it in that moment, I mean he was there when she was screaming every night, that didn’t wake him up to her presence?! He was there daily changing diapers and changing clothes, doctors appointments, a million pictures to pose for and take but for him it just wasn’t real and today I wonder…was he like Teledano, did he not…love her until that day, truly not see her until that moment, was that his moment?  Teledano has given a voice to a fathers feelings, a situation that is so understandable for a man, a woman has the opportunity to feel this life, from morning sickness to kicks and babies responding to our movements and voices we have the opportunity to bond with our children way before a man does.  Sure he gets to have some foreign entity kick him in the head when he puts his head to our stomachs but in the end it is not the same and some men feel that.  Toledano acknowledging that is brave and I commend him for it.  Recognizing our truths is important and the way we remain in truthful places of acknowledgment and eventual acceptance.   I wonder now how my children’s father felt I never asked him as I never conceived that he hadn’t felt utter love and awe until now and at that point we had had so many more children that I didn’t even really think to ask but today is my Oprah ah- ha moment and I see that he probably had that same feeling.  Shocked and not truly ready for fatherhood, doing what was required of him, not feeling what he should have felt but just as Teledano he eventually came to his love and loved our child and our children and in the end that is all that matters.  It wasn’t hate to start it was indifference and misunderstanding and getting used to a new situation and we expect immediacy with parenthood but its not always the case, truly it is a new experience, a change and all new experiences and changes take time to get used to.  Women don’t consider that we get a chance to get used to that change 9 months to be exact but men….they don’t.  As Toledano said love is a pull, a gravitational pull and eventually his daughter as all our children do, they pull us into their orbit and we love them fully and unconditionally.  I always say partly in jest and partly seriously that children are the biggest con artists because they lull us into loving them, into a complacency, so that they can get away with anything with us (god knows I have some stories of the test of love LOL) because if we didn’t love them…..well we all know what that would be don’t we……LOL. Just another day in 7th heaven, tomorrow is another day.  Until Next time, be well.


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