Mother’s rights vs Father’s rights who loses….the child

Last week New Jersey superior Court Judge Soheil Mohammed ruled that an expectant mother can bar an expectant father from the delivery room, and going so far as to say that the expectant mother doesn’t even have to inform the expectant father that she is even in labour. In this case he found: “A finding in favor of plaintiff for both notification and forced entry into the delivery room would in fact be inconsistent with existing jurisprudence on the interests of women in the children they carry pre-birth,” he wrote in Plotnick v. DeLuccia.

“It would create practical concerns where the father’s unwelcomed presence could cause additional stress on the mother and child. Moreover, such a finding would also lead to a slippery slope where the mother’s interest could be subjugated to that of the father’s.”

He furthers his argument by stating: the doctrine of Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973), that women have the right to control their bodies during pregnancy. He also cited Planned Parenthood v. Casey, 505 U.S. 833 (1992), which struck down a state law requiring married women to notify their husbands before having an abortion.

The feelings about this decision have been much divided and this division is very understandable. There are some on one side that argue that a woman has the right to decide what happens with her body. And as long as the baby is in her body it is up to her to decide what happens in the delivery room. Others argue that men are once again being eliminated from their children’s lives. That by law they are legally and financially responsible for this child yet the mother has the right to exclude or include him at her whim. I am sure many have their opinion on this but I have various feelings. I can see with a woman who has been raped or abused not wanting that man in the delivery room for reasons that are beyond obvious. But because we have had a fight or we don’t get along or are no longer together? No that is not fair and this judgement can lead to so much misuse in my opinion. Justice Mohammed cited that the interests of the mother would be subjugated in favour of the father in this case but isn’t the interests of the father being subjugated in this case as well. When it comes to the birth of a child I do not believe that any interest should be considered except for the child’s. I am a woman, (smile as we all know) and I recall the moment when the father of children saw them for the first time, right after birth, that moment of here is my child, his face, his joy, his instant love that moment…..where he stands in that understanding, in that moment, knowing that that moment is priceless, hell I will speak for myself…..that moment where I saw my child’s face for the first time. Immediately after the birth, when they put my child into my arms, there is no moment that amounts to that one, no moment that measures that, how could I deny that moment to the father of my child because I am angry at him? Because we had a fight? Because I made the bad choice of choosing him? My choice not my child’s mistake to pay for and miss that moment with their father for? Because I hate him in this moment in a life where moments fade and are replaced by knowledge and forgiveness and then regret? Those moments cannot be replaced. How dare I deny him a moment that I personally understand the gravity of but more importantly deny my child of! That moment for my own selfish reasons that have nothing to do with my child but all to do with me. If the woman is in danger then I fully understand that the father should not be there but because I don’t like him? We have broken up? I don’t think that’s fair. And this argument is fraught on both sides because then a woman may ask how can he see me like that and it be alright? His presence makes me uncomfortable and therefore ruins my birth experience. My first crass answer would be well….he has seen you in a few positions hence the reason you are in this one now and it may be slightly similar so…..you should let it go. The sensitive part of me says yes who wants to be uncomfortable during birth I agree, why would we want to have a person we don’t like or get along with in this our presence in this moment. But this argument is so heated, it has no fair conclusion in my opinion. How can one truly speak and be fair on either side? It is not fair for a man to impose himself into this moment, but it is also not fair for a woman to exclude a man from this moment. This life while she is carrying it has been also created by him as well, he has as much right to seeing it being brought forth as the mother and the fact that it is her body excludes him isn’t fair. She gave him assess to her body when they created this child and that should give him rights to seeing his child, the life he assisted in creating brought forth. In this world of children without fathers present I find it so sad that we are taking away the fathers that want to be there. This father actually took this woman to court in order to see his child be born! Meanwhile we have fathers who haven’t seen their children in that child’s entire lifetime! This man is actually trying to be a part of his child’s life and we are denying him? No actually nothing is being tried here, he was denied it, he was not allowed to see his child being born and what’s so ironic is that he was respecting the mothers desire to not have him there all he was asking was that after the child was born and she had her moment with the child he was allowed to see his child but she wanted him to wait until the next day or further days saying she would put him on the visitors list. And some may say so what why can’t he wait it’s just one day but I ask you as a mother would you? Would you want to wait a day? We as mothers have privileges that we assume to be true? Assume are our right to have? But fathers don’t? I don’t think that this is fair at all….this is a very difficult situation to assess because mothers truly deserve but fathers deserve too and I see this precedent being set will not be used for good and the true betterment of the mother as it will be used to punish fathers. The Roe v. Wade, 410 U.S. 113 (1973), decision was a hard enough blow to men, true no fair that a woman has to have a baby that she doesn’t want but the father wants to have she can have an abortion but is that fair to the man? I guess my true query here is when did mothers become more important than fathers? Both play a significant role in creating the child and should continue to do so in the raising and nurturing of the child. In a world where fathers must take financial responsibility for a child even if he desired the woman to have an abortion but she chose not to we should also consider and respect the flip side he wants the child she should have it, they are fighting and not getting along he gets to be there. In this case the choices can’t always be skewed to the woman, he has rights too and if the flip side is occurring he has no rights? It’s not fair, I am a woman and I am saying that my rights as a mother should not supersede the rights of a father just as his do not supersede mine, concessions must be made, and understandings must be found. And no one can accuse me of being unable to understand the various situations that can occur between mother’s and father’s because I truly do from the stories I have heard, the lives I know have been lived and my own story so while I have yet to fully go into detail as to my situation, that will be revealed as time passes but know it is serious enough to say that a woman would understand if I said my children cannot see their father ever again but that would be about me. I know what he has done to me and it is truly truly terrible but in the end has nothing to do with my children’s relationship with him. And while I do not want anything to do with him I always and will forever advocate for my children to know and have a relationship with him because that is not about me, him or the relationship that we had it is about them and until the day they decide they don’t want a relationship with him I will not stop it or until it is harmful to them of course but in the end he and I are not and should ever be the deciding factor in their relationship. I think this precedent allows mother’s to lose sight of what their true focus should be. Again giving us the law to punish the fathers of our children for sins that are not our children’s to bear. I am not wronging women who are angry, not trying to incite…. the but you don’t know what he did’s…. but he did it to you….not the child….and in the end if he is trying to be a father a true father to your child after all the wrong that he has done to you…does your child not deserve a father? Because he wronged you? Save his damnation for when he does wrong to your child? In the equation truly…you should not factor in…… It’s not fair to say I come before him, because truly in the end the true meaning of all of this is being lost, mothers wishes…..father’s wishes….where is the child’s wishes no one speaks for the child and in the end the child deserves their rights to be advocated for and in this situation and most that is not occurring. How about we start to say forget the parents lets advocate for the child that deserves equality for access and life with both parents. Just another day in 7th heaven, tomorrow is another day. Until next time, be well.